


Towelfic

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-09-30
Updated: 1999-09-30
Packaged: 2018-11-20 19:51:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11342130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: Mulder and Scully take revenge for Skinner's ingratitude during SR 819.





	Towelfic

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

 

TowelFic by Holmes

Note: I'm posting this for Holmes. Send your love to , because this is a very silly and wonderful story.

TowelFic By Holmes   
Summary: Mulder and Scully take revenge for Skinner's ingratitude during SR 819.  
Xanthe thought that Skinner was distressingly overdressed in SR819, and I agreed, hence the hatching of this story. She's responsible for an idea in the story...I'll tell you at the end about it.  
The disrespect to a certain celebrity is for Woodinat.   
Many thanks to both Xanthe and Woodinat for their encouragement to post this. (If you don't like the story though, please don't hunt them down and kill them. The guilt for this story rests solely with me.)  
Disclaimer: I don't own Mulder, Skinner, Scully, etc. Chris Carter and 1013 Productions own them. I'm not making any money off of them, but I do show them a better time than he does, and I think they really, really like me if nothing else.  
Rating: NC17  
Holmes Rating: 4 1/2 sick puppies out of five. Don't think you're getting off easy. 4 1/2 sick puppies are even sicker than 5 sick puppies in my book.  
Additional Holmes Rating: SBCOEAH Snowball's Chance Of Ever Actually happening.  
Confession time: Why it got this rating: For consensual, but strange, bdsm games, m/m, m/f, m/m/f sexual relationships, twosomes, threesomes, and other "somes" arrangements I'd warn you about, but it's been a long time since I've had algebra.   
Category: M/Sk/Sc, Slash, Humor, WalterTorture, and KrycekTorture  
Warnings: Not only are there spoilers for SR 819 (Season 6 episode) I paraphrased the dialog, and it's no doubt, out of order since I wrote the first scene the Tuesday following the night it premiered. My apologies for all of the inaccuracies.   
Also: I know that there was no damned cup of coffee on Skinner's desk in the episode. This is AU. Also, the BDSM in this story is played for laughs.   
This story starts out seriously, but halfway through the first chapter, I toss that RIGHT out the window.

* * *

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
TowelFic for Xanthe by Holmes  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So I was injected with....nanocytes is it?... which filled my blood with carbon, and hardened my arteries?" Skinner said, his voice hard-edged and surly, "who would do that? Why would they go to all of that trouble to kill me?" Every facial expression and movement of his well-muscled body said back off, fuck off, leave the room before you say something to really piss me off.

"To see who you would turn to," Mulder said patiently and firmly, with a polite smile frozen on his lips.

Skinner snorted, "So you think this is all about you. Might I remind you that you no longer work on the XFiles, in fact, neither of you do?"

"But YOU still do, sir," Scully said soberly, "it may very well have something to with the XFiles."

Agent Mulder laid out two photographs on the A.D.'s desk. They were of a bearded, longhaired man in baggy clothes. "Sir, here are the surveillance camera shots of the man who followed you into the FBI building. Do you recognize him?"

"No, sorry, I don't," Skinner said with calculated disinterest as he passed them back to Mulder.

Mulder frowned worriedly as he collected the photographs and tucked them back into the file, handing to Skinner, "Are you sure? This appears to be the same man whom I chased in the hospital garage and who was responsible for the death of the Tunisian diplomat who tried to kill you..."

Skinner stared at him defiantly.

Mulder took a deep breath, and continued, "Look, sir, this man may not want you dead, but he may have been the one to infect you with the nanocytes. He fits the description of the man who you stated was watching you at the boxing match when first became ill. No doubt this man is responsible for the death of the physicist who tried to warn you. There is evidence to suggest that this man and his misuse of nanotechnology can be traced back to the highest levels of our government. I'd like to investigate further, but of course, I'll need your approval to do so."

Skinner refused to meet his agents' eyes as he dismissively tossed the file aside. "I'm sorry, agents, I have neither the authority nor the heart to allow you to investigate this matter any further. You work for A.D. Kersh, and you follow his orders now."

Mulder and Scully were wide-eyed with disbelief. 

Skinner cringed as he imagined what they were thinking. Mulder looked hurt and livid...always a dangerous combination in his lover. 

He knew what Mulder was thinking just by looking at him. //"How many times do I have to save your ungrateful, disobedient ass before you trust me, much less respect me? I'm not just your subordinate! I'm lover; I'm your top, for Christ's sake. You owe me."// 

Skinner looked away, struggling desperately not to fall into the role of penitent sub he had been trained so well to play. No way did he want their BDSM games to become a part of their working relationship, but he knew that he'd start babbling the entire story and beg for forgiveness if he held Mulder's steady, questioning gaze.

He glanced up at Agent Scully, and that was just as bad. The hurt and disbelief in those now suspicion-narrowed, iceberg-blue eyes of hers shamed him. He could almost hear the accusation in them. // "We risked our lives and careers for you! You said that you wished that you had helped us more! Now that you're safe, you no longer give a shit DO you, you LIAR! //

Skinner felt his cheeks grow hot. //Sanctimonious assholes! How many times have THEY died so far? Well once in 'Nam and once on the operating table are more than enough trial runs for me. I don't intend to die again for a very long time. SCREW THEM! // "If that will be all agents?" he said rebelliously, "I have work to do."

Skinner picked up a file, and pretended to be engrossed in it, determined not to look up until they left....so he was shocked to feel hot coffee splatter all over his shirt and into his lap. "SHIT!!!!" he screamed as he jumped up, tearing his shirt and pants away from his tortured skin as fast as possible.

"How CLUMSY of me. I'm terribly sorry, sir" Agent Scully said, running around the desk to help her boss get as much fabric away from his skin as possible.

"GODDAMN IT, SCULLY, STOP! YOU'RE RIPPING MY PANTS TO SHREDS! Skinner bellowed.

Kim Cooke ran into the office, "Are you okay sir?" She stopped dead in her tracks, gaping at her boss whose shirt was coffee-stained and ripped open and whose pants were puddled around his ankles. Skinner clenched his jaw, and looked up and away....anywhere, just to avoid his secretary's stunned gaze.

"He's fine," Scully said cheerily, blithely ignoring the withering stares that everyone in the room gave her for using that phrase for the thousandth time at least, "he just spilled boiling hot coffee on himself. I was trying to help him get the fluid away from his skin before it burned."

"UH," Kim said.

Mulder said nothing, but appeared to be in some difficulty, since he was biting his twitching lips as he turned his back to everyone.

"Kim, just make sure that he isn't disturbed for ANY reason until Agent Mulder and I can find another suit for him," Scully said authoritatively.

"UH," Kim said as she nodded her head. She backed out of the office never once taking her eyes off her blushing boss.

Scully knelt in front of Skinner. "Lift up your foot," she said sharply, and Skinner obeyed.

It appalled Skinner that he responded to that firm, no nonsense tone before he knew what he was doing. He looked over at Mulder, clearing his throat to get his top's attention. If only he could get him to turn around, Mulder would see what Skinner wanted to know in his eyes. //Did you tell her about us? Did you carry through with your threats?// All he could see was Mulder's shaking shoulders. //What the hell is *that* about, I wonder?//

"The other one, now!" she said, and once again, Skinner complied. 

Scully deftly grabbed Skinner's trousers, got up, and walked over to Mulder, and tapped him on the shoulder. "Mulder, I could use some help here. At least get the A.D. a towel."

"Mpmf" Mulder said, still biting his lips, and ran as ordered into Skinner's washroom.

Scully turned back to Skinner. "I'll be happy to pick up a suit from your apartment, if you'll just give me the directions."

Skinner handed his keys to Scully. "The square one is my car door key. That won't be necessary. I picked up my dry-cleaning at lunch. Just pick a suit..."

Scully nodded, and turned to leave.

Skinner cleared his throat. "Agent Scully? Even if my suit pants are wet and torn, I'd still like to put them back on now that they've cooled off. Scully? AGENT SCULLY!?!"

Scully ignored him until she got to the door. She turned and smiled sweetly at him, and left the room with his trousers draped over her arm, closing the door behind her.

Mulder emerged from the washroom, and tossed Skinner a towel. "Don't worry sir, you'll look great in this!" he smirked, "and we'll be back before you know it!"

Skinner blushed as he knotted the towel around his waist. "Just make sure she brings back the damned suit!" he growled. "The last thing I need is for the Deputy Director or any of the other A.D.'s to see me like this."

"Yes, sir!" Mulder said, ogling the A.D.'s body up and down as he sauntered out of the room. He re-opened the door, and stuck his head in. "By the way, sir, how much is it worth to you for me to keep the news of your....condition.... from A.D. Jana Cassidy?"

The file that Skinner threw merely bounced off the closing door, not even useful in muffling Mulder's humiliatingly self-satisfied laughter.

Mulder's long legs stretched to their limit as he ran down the hall to catch up to Scully for a change. She stepped into the elevator, and he lunged inside, barely making it. "Okay, Scully, give," he panted. "What the HELL was that McDonald's coffee moment in Skinner's office about?"

"He was lying," Scully said, coolly looking up at Mulder. "He knew exactly who that man was. He's afraid to tell the truth. Remember when you were lost in the Bermuda Triangle?"

Mulder nodded and gestured for her to continue.

"Well, he's acting the same way now that he did then when I asked him to help find you," she said, her eyes darkening with anger. "He lied his ass off to me at first because he had been threatened within an inch of his life if he ever spoke to either of us again. The only difference is that he's far more scared now than he was then."

"Obviously," Mulder snapped, looming over her, "but that still doesn't explain why you tried to scald his balls with Sanka. This is my love life you're destroying here. I assume you had a damned good reason for that."

"Oh stop growling!" Scully said smiling up at him. "The Sanka didn't do any damage to your toys, and yes, I had a very good reason for spilling the coffee. *I* have a plan."

"A plan?" Mulder said cocking his head quizzically. "Well, c'mon, Scully, don't keep me in suspense! What is it?"

"WE are going to bug the A.D.'s car!" she said triumphantly. "We even have the keys, and a perfect excuse to get into it. If the mystery man shows up at his car, and considering his penchant for parking garages I think that he will, we'll know exactly what they're saying to one another."

"Hmmm, it's devious, evil, flouts authority, could save my sub's ass....and not only that, we get to investigate an XFile." Mulder grinned broadly. "I like it!"

"We save OUR sub's ass," Scully said, straightening Mulder's tie with a sharp tug. 

Mulder grabbed Scully's hand. "OUR sub's ass?" he said, cocking his head. "The deal was, you'd take care of him if anything happened to me."

Scully lightly cupped Mulder's balls with her free hand. "You're absolutely right," she said, "So, how soon do you want something to happen to you?"

"Okay, okay," Mulder laughed as he quickly grabbed her other hand before she could squeeze him. "OUR sub. Scully you really need to see someone about this unhealthy testicular fixation of yours." He raised her hands over her head, and pressed them to the elevator wall.

"Spoilsport. You're no fun," Scully whined, trying to wiggle her way out of his grip, "Oh, c'mon, I'll be good. I promise."

"Dana 'Shoot First And Let God Sort 'Em Out' Scully is promising to be good?" he said with mock seriousness, kissing her on top of her head. "Hmmmm.....that story's too far-fetched even for ol' Spooky Mulder. I think I should consider handcuffs...." 

"Mulder, stop. Seriously," she said, "We need to worry about who we can talk out of some surveillance equipment in a hurry. Someone owes me a favor, so...."

Mulder grinned as he let his partner go, "Don't call in a favor just for that. Hell, our cars have probably been bugged four times each during the time we were in Skinner's office. Let's just recycle one of those, and grab whatever Spender's using to listen in, and we're there."

"Fine with me," she said, rubbing her wrists. "I'll take care of finding and installing the bug and getting the suit to Skinner, and you can take care of ransacking our old office for everything else, since you do it twice a day anyway...." 

"What can I say, I just like to nurture my inner Visigoth," he said with a shrug. The elevator doors opened with a ding, and Mulder chuckled. "Parking garage level... autos, spy accessories, and men's fashions. Your floor, Scully."

She smiled, "Meet you back at our car then?" 

Mulder nodded, and waved a rakish goodbye as the elevator doors shut. He pushed the LL button, and indulged in a case of the jitters. He would never admit it to Scully, but this foraging trip had him scared shitless. He'd never attempted to steal anything more than shredded files from Spender and Fowley. When the doors opened on the basement level, he felt an even more powerful adrenaline rush than he always did, half expecting to find himself face to face with his intended victims. This time, he found himself face to face with an empty hallway.

He looked both ways, and walked purposefully to his old office, wincing as the sound of his footsteps reverberated throughout the floor. The whole world had to know he was here. He slowed down, making a marginally more successful attempt at stealth, but his achingly slow progress began to make him more and more apprehensive. 

He broke out into a sweat wondering if he would ever get there, and if hidden cameras had been installed in the basement since he had called it home, and who could be watching. He had never noticed how long the hallway was when he worked down here. His luck held though. No one seemed to be around, when he finally, blessedly, reached the office. With one furtive, last look around for potential witnesses, he put his ear against the door, and listened carefully. Silence...not so much as a squeaking chair or a paper rustle. He was safe. 

He picked the lock effortlessly, and eased through the door, wanting to hold onto the option of escape as long as possible in case a nasty surprise was waiting for him, and shut it. There, right in the open on top of Spender's desk, he found what he was looking for. //Beautiful!// He rubbed his hands together, ran to the desk, and put on the headphones, and switched everything on. //Better check this out. Spender and Fowley could actually be working on something important for a change. //The sound of Scully bitterly cursing as she rummaged around their car reassured him that his profiling skills were as sharp as they ever were, and he grinned smugly. He wasn't stealing; he was liberating it.

He had just gotten everything packed up and ready to go when he heard footsteps coming down the hallway. Oh. Shit. He grabbed the listening devices, and the recorder, shoving them and himself behind Diana's desk. //If it's Diana maybe she'll let me off the hook for old time's sake....// His heart sank as the door shut, and he heard Spender's voice.

"God, Diana, I've been thinking about this for the last 200 miles."

"Me too, Jeff! I need you now!"

"On my desk, woman!"

Mulder held his breath, waiting for Spender to start screaming about his missing surveillance equipment, but all he heard were smacking sounds, zippers unzipping, and moans and groans that sounded more appropriate for root canal without benefit of anesthesia than for foreplay. Apparently, Spender was sex-stupid. Mulder peered around the cabinet, but could only see Spender's ass pumping away between Diana's legs. 

He would have punched out anyone who suggested that he could be as happy as he was to see that man's behind. Since it meant that, as long as Spender kept it up for a minute or two longer, neither one would probably notice him if he was quiet enough, Mulder figured that he could be excused. 

As Diana screamed, "Harder, harder, harder!" Mulder crept out of the office with his ill-gotten gains, carefully closing the door, only to hear MORE footsteps coming down the hall...a man's footsteps. Quickly, he shoved the equipment behind a trashcan, and stood in front of it, hands in his pocket. 

"What are you doing here, Agent Mulder?" A.D. Kersh boomed. "I thought I made it quite clear that you were no longer on the XFiles."

"I just came down here to ask Diana a question, and I've been waiting for them to finish," Mulder said innocently.

Kersh's eyes narrowed. "What question? Finished with what?"

Before Mulder could answer, Diana screamed, "OH GOD, I THINK I'M GONNA COME! OHGODOGODOGODOGOD!!"

Kersh's head snapped toward the door, his body rigid with fury. Grim-faced, he pushed Mulder aside, and started pounding on the door. "LET ME IN NOW!!!!" he bellowed. 

Mulder could hear the two ersatz XFiles agents crashing into the furniture, and cursing behind the door, and snickered as he imagined them trying to set a record for putting their clothes back on, nearly killing themselves in the process. 

The quaking agents finally opened the door a crack. "Llllet me explain, sir..." Spender stammered timidly as he peeked out.

"SHUT UP!" Kersh snarled, shoving the door open, and nearly bowling over his two lovestruck agents. The infuriated A.D. stormed into their office and slammed the door shut with a reverberating bang.

Mulder gleefully raised his arms straight up. //Touchdown! This is going to be good! Too bad I can't stay. I better not push my luck though. Oh well, at least it'll be a long while before Spender notices anything is missing.// Mulder grabbed the stashed equipment and ran laughing like hell for the elevator. 

He didn't feel safe, not even in the parking garage, until he finally reached the car. That took a lot longer than he would have liked since, not only had Scully re-parked behind a column close to, but discreetly out of sight of Skinner's car, the light by that column had burned out.

She motioned vigorously for him to get in. "Where the hell have you been?"

"It's a long story that I'll tell you about over lunch when we both have time to savor it," Mulder said smugly, as he got in on the passenger's side in front. When she opened her mouth to protest, he said the magic words. "I'll buy."

She turned around, and stared at him, cocking an eyebrow. "No greasy spoons or fast food places?" she said suspiciously.

"Or coffee bars," he added slyly, pleased to see her struggling to keep a straight face. "I'll go you one better. How about Bread and Chocolate for lunch, and Maggiano's or Addie's for dinner?" 

"Real restaurants! That must be some story you've got to tell," she said delightedly, "But I'm warning you, I'm going hold you to it, Mulder. Don't tease me where chocolate is concerned."

Mulder held up his hands in surrender, "Hey, I know better than to come between you and sugar OR coffee. Has he shown up yet?"

"Skinner? No," she said. "He's probably waiting for everyone to leave so he doesn't have to face anybody. You'd think he'd had to strip for the entire bureau."

"Aww, poor baby. He's just too sexy for his pants," Mulder tsk-tsked. "For once, I'm glad that he's so damned modest around women. That'll give us time to get everything ready," he said, "Help me set this shit up." 

They busied themselves setting up the equipment, making sure that they could both share the earphones.

"I hope this works," Scully said. "I would have felt a lot better about this if we could have made sure that I installed the bug properly, and set the sound levels. We really should have called in that favor..."

"Shhh!" Mulder said as he pushed her head down. "Duck!" 

"You better have a DAMNED good reason for pushing my head into your lap, Mulder!" Scully hissed.

"Be quiet!" Mulder hissed back. "Skinner!" 

As he spoke, the sound of footsteps echoed throughout the parking garage. "Oh calm down!" Scully whispered. "I took out the light over the car. He couldn't possibly see us."

"We can't be too careful! THAT might be *exactly* what would draw his attention to us!" Mulder snapped.

"How come you're only paranoid when you shouldn't be?" Scully said, shaking her head.

"Goddamn it, shut UP! Someone is following him," Mulder said as he pushed her face down against his leg to muffle her voice...and immediately felt her teeth sinking into the tender flesh of his thigh. "AGGGGH! SHHHHHTT," he said with a strangled groan, releasing his grip on her. 

As soon as the sound from the second set of footsteps stopped, she sat up. "Don't make that mistake again," she said ominously.

He rubbed his thigh and pouted for a few seconds, then motioned for her to press her face close to his so she could share the earphones that he was holding. It was awkward, but they managed, and soon, they heard the sound of a car door opening, and someone scooting inside. 

"Did you hear that?" Mulder said gleefully, "it's working!" 

"Shh!" Scully said just a tad spitefully, "I can't hear a damn thing with you talking."

They listened as, once again, a car door opened.

Skinner's voice crackled through the earphones. "I've been waiting for you to show up."

"Just remember that I can press the button at any time," a familiar voice replied.

"KRYCEK!" Scully and Mulder said.

"What's this about?" Skinner asked.

"All in good time," Krycek said, getting out of the car.

"Kryeck, wait" Skinner said, "let's discuss this. Surely we could arrive at a reasonable compromise."

As Skinner negotiated with Krycek to stay, Scully glanced nervously at her partner, who was turning several shades of red, and had his hand poised to open the door. "Don't even think about beating the answer out of Krycek, Mulder!" she said placing her hand on his arm. 

"I won't stand by and let that son of a bitch hurt him, Scully," Mulder said grimly, "Let go of my arm."

"NO! Remember, *I* have a plan," she said, gripping his arm even harder. "I expected something like this."

They stopped talking when they heard Skinner's voice grow desperate.

"PLEASE!" he yelled. "What'll it take to get rid of these damned things?" 

They heard the car door slam. 

"I love it when you beg, Wally," Krycek said.

"*Don't* call me..." Skinner snarled.

"Look, Wally. Either I call you whatever I want to," Krycek laughed, "or you go back to being the world's surliest laddie pencil. It's your choice."

"Why don't you turn me into an Etch A Sketch this time?" Skinner growled. "That way the doctors could cure me by turning me upside down and shaking me."

" If I were you, Wally," Krycek said silkily, "I'd lower my eyes and ask me nicely for my help."

After a few long seconds of silence, Skinner took a deep breath. "What do I have to do to get rid of the nanocytes...please....sir?"

"Good boy, Wally," Krycek sneered. "I should have you paper trained within the week. Now, strip and put on these."

"Property of A. K! What the fuck is this about?"

"Give me a break, Wally. Even you should be able to figure what the collar and manacles are for," Krycek napped. "Do I need to press a few buttons to help you think more clearly?"

"No!" Skinner said hastily. "That won't be necessary...sir. I'm undressing as fast as I can."

Mulder and Scully heard the sounds of rustling clothing, thumps, and once even a horn honking. 

"Damn! I hope no one else is around," Scully said, wincing as she heard the horn. "That could throw a crimp into our plans."

"It's pretty deserted. Wish we could have a better view, though," Mulder said.

"Strange, you didn't think that was necessary before," Scully smirked.

"Ha, ha. Very funny," Mulder said in a tone of voice that let her know he thought that it was anything but. "When does this 'plan' of yours go into effect?"

"As soon as they're involved, which should be any moment now. That reminds me, I need my medical bag." Scully said as she reached in the backseat and pulled out a black satchel.

Mulder quirked up an eyebrow, but said nothing.

Krycek's voice crackled over the headphones. "VERY nice, Wally. I'm going to find out if your ass is as tight as it looks. Out of the car, and into the backseat. I want you on your stomach."

"B-b-but I'm naked," Skinner spluttered.

"Nothing gets by you, does it, Wally?" Krycek snickered. "Poor, poor, Wally. Don't worry. I'm not totally heartless. I found a towel in that pile of laundry you were carrying. You can wear it until you get back into the car."

"You have GOT to be kidding," Skinner squeaked.

"The towel or nothing, Wally," Krycek said.

"I'll take the towel." Skinner said sullenly.

"What was that, Wally?" Krycek said, "How did you ask the man who holds your life in his hands for this towel?"

"May I please have the towel... sir?" Skinner said. Mulder and Scully could visualize him clenching his jaw as he spoke.

They heard two car doors opening, and shuffling, clanking sounds that seemed to go on forever. Finally, they heard a flop, and the sound of something dragging heavily across the seat.

Scully nodded at Mulder, "This is it. We sneak up, and take the ratbastard on my signal," she said, "Let's move."

The agents eased their car doors open, and eased them to, and slinked behind the column. They were directly behind Krycek, and could hear their two men with no problem now. They saw him unbuckling his belt, and Scully nodded her head in Krycek's direction. Mulder nodded back, and slowly and silently crept up on the traitor.

Mulder grinned as he saw Krycek tucking a Palm Pilot inside his jacket. Scully had timed this operation perfectly. //Scully, I want to bear your children!// 

Krycek carefully doubled his belt, and strapped Skinner's bare butt.

"HEY!" Skinner yelled. "What the hell did I do?"

"Nothing, Wally," Krycek said, "I just felt like strapping your ass. In fact, I STILL feel like strapping your ass. I n fact, I can't remember a time when I HAVEN'T felt like strapping your arrogant ass. Of course, I've really fantasized more about strapping your ass on your balcony, but I can't wait. I'm going to strap your ass a few times here, THEN I'll strap your ass on your balcony." Krycek began to giggle. " Jesus, just listen to me. I've said ass so many times that if I didn't know any better, I'd think that I was you."

Krycek began belting Skinner with all his strength, laughing joyfully as Skinner grunted with the effort of keeping silent. 

"EYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Krycek screamed as Mulder grabbed his arm, twisted it behind his back, and slammed his head against the car roof.

"EASY, Mulder!" Skinner yelled, "He's the only one who knows how to cure me!"

Mulder ignored the A.D., and jerked Krycek's twisted arm far enough up his back to make him scream again. "Well, well, well Scully," Mulder said, "what have we here?" 

"I do believe that it's the little Breck Girl himself," Scully snickered, holding her gun on the captive. 

"Awwww, and would you look at this?" Mulder said, shoving Krycek's face toward Scully. "He cut off all those pretty widdle shoulder length curls he had the last time we saw him." 

"It's your fault, Mulder," Scully said. "He must have heard you say that you hated him because he was beautiful."

"Fuck you, bitch!" Krycek spat.

Mulder banged his captive's head against the car, "What did you say?"

"Nothing," Krycek mumbled.

Mulder banged his head again. "Wrong answer. Apologize to my partner. NOW."

"If you're going to abuse your prisoner, please shut the car door so I can't hear it." Skinner said.

Scully leaned into the car and swatted his boss's bare, welted butt with her hand.

"HEY!" Skinner yelled, outraged.

"Oops! Sorry sir!" she smirked as she admired the view, "My hand slipped while I was abusing the prisoner."

Krycek started to laugh, but Mulder banged his head. "Just remember, *my* hand never slips, asshole." He looked at Scully and smiled. "So what's next with him?"

"Hmmmm. You know, Mulder," Scully said thoughtfully, "I think we need some privacy for the next phase of our plan. Remember that serial killer body dump we found last week?"

"I am so fucked," Krycek groaned.

"You are so right," Mulder said nodding and smiling cheesily.

"WAIT A MINUTE!" Skinner yelled, "BODY DUMP? JUST WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING TO DO?"

"Don't worry," Scully laughed as she patted the wincing A.D.'s abused butt, "You're in trouble, but not in *that* much trouble."

"That dumping ground is a helluva place for a first date, Scully," Mulder said. "I think we ought to pay a visit to the boys instead."

Scully's eyes narrowed in disapproval, "I don't think Byers would appreciate us bringing this vicious ratbastard to their place. He's very protective of his boys."

"I'll call ahead to ask first, and I'll take the usual precautions to protect their location," Mulder said. "C'mon, just think Scully. At their headquarters you'll have a fully equipped lab at your fingertips, and men bringing you cups of hot chocolate and marshmallows whenever you crook your little finger. Frohike knows what you like."

Scully grinned, "Well, since you put it *that* way, what are we waiting for?"

"For me to get out of these manacles and into my clothes?" Skinner said hopefully as he looked over his shoulder.

Skinner's face fell as his two agents scowled at that suggestion. He gave his best approximation of Mulder's puppy dog look, and held his breath. 

Both agents started to fidget after just a few seconds of that pitiful look, but Mulder was the first to break eye contact. He cleared his throat, looked at Scully and raised an eyebrow. Scully shrugged her shoulders and nodded.

"Hmph. We *could* use something more substantial than handcuffs to chain up Ratboy," Mulder said grudgingly.

They found the key to the manacles in Krycek's jacket, and freed Skinner. While Skinner was getting dressed, Mulder forced Krycek to take off his jacket at gunpoint after which Scully shackled the furious triple agent.

Mulder put on the leather jacket and twirled around. "Whaddya think Scully?"

"I think I know how you can afford all those expensive clothes on a GS-13 salary," Scully said.

"You said it!" Krycek said bitterly. "He's *always* stealing my clothes." 

"Well if you *didn't* want me to steal your clothes, you should have gone back to wearing suits," Mulder snapped. "I wouldn't be caught dead in one of those tacky suits of yours. Where did you get those from anyway? Sears?"

Krycek blushed.

"Oh shit! You DID get them from Sears!" Mulder cracked up as he shoved the red-faced man into the backseat of the car, and against an extra surly Skinner. 

"Thank you Special Agent Kenneth Blackwell," Krycek said sourly. 

"Mulder, I think it's time that you properly accessorized our guest," Scully said, handing him a black silk scarf. 

"With pleasure," Mulder said as he tied the scarf around Krycek's eyes.

Scully got into the driver's seat, turned around, and stuck out her hand to Skinner. "Hand me the keys," she said.

"But it's my car!" Skinner said.

"So it is," Scully said coolly. "Hand me the keys."

Skinner glared at her, but resentfully slapped the keys into her hand.

"I'm adding five more for that, sir," she said as she closed her fingers over the keys.

"Five more what?" Skinner said, looking at her in confusion. He turned to her partner, "Mulder, would you care to explain?"

"I don't think you really want me to until we're alone, sir," Mulder snickered.

"Good call. I wouldn't be skeptical about Mulder's theory, if I were you, sir," Scully laughed. She backed out of the parking space, and sped out of the garage as fast as she dared.

"It's times like these that I really wonder why I keep coming back from the dead," Skinner mumbled, as they sped toward the Lone Gunman Headquarters.

Lone Gunman Headquarters 11:30 PM

Mulder pounded on the door. "HEY! MOVE YOUR LAZY ASSES! OPEN UP!"

They heard the sound of latches being thrown, and locks turning. "DUDE! CHILL!" Langley said, "I'm opening the door as fast as I can."

"Hi Langley," Mulder said, brushing past him and dragging Krycek along, "Mind if we come in?"

Langley snorted, and held the door open for Scully and Skinner who studiously avoided looking at his face. This only made matters worse. 

Mulder and Scully exchanged an amused look upon seeing the Lara Crofts T-shirt and boxer shorts that the blond haired geek was wearing. The similarity between the overly buxom action heroine's hairstyle and Langley's was startling.

Skinner took one disdainful look at Langley's legs and muttered "Must be riding a chicken," as he walked past.

Langley cupped his ass and said, "Got something better for me to ride, dude?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Skinner said, as he walked as fast as dignity permitted to stand in the corner. From his logistically sound position in the corner, butt safetywise, he glared at Langley.

Langley shrugged his shoulders and snickered. "At least you know where bad boys belong, dude." 

Skinner worked his jaw from side to side, looking mostly cold and menacing until he caught sight of Frohike's outfit. The A.D.'s uncontrollably twitching lips totally ruined the effect of impending doom that he had achieved.

Frohike's outfit wasn't making it any easier for the other agents to keep a straight face either. Frohike had a very poorly rendered 3D Japanese Anime babe on his T-shirt that made it appear as though he had huge breasts. Huge SAGGY breasts...with a teeny tiny woman's head stuck between them. 

"You didn't tell me that you were bringing the lovely Agent Scully," Frohike said with a leer as he smoothed his hair, "and the equally lovely A.D. Skinner." 

Both Scully and Skinner rolled their eyes and snorted.

"Mmpph," Scully said, her hand covering her mouth.

"Christ Almighty," Skinner said.

"Behave yourself, Frohike," Mulder said as he hauled Krycek over and pushed him into a chair. "We don't have time for that romantic shit. We have a serious problem here, and we need your help." In spite of the seriousness of his words, Mulder kept staring first at Langley's underwear then Frohike's and struggling to stifle his giggles.

Langley and Frohike were just as entertained by Krycek's manacles and blindfold as the agents were by the geek lingerie show. 

"When do we get to open our gift, Mulder?" Langley said, caressing the prisoner's face.

"Keep your fuckin' hands off of me!" Krycek snarled, jumping out the chair and startling Langley.

Mulder slammed Krycek back in the chair, and backhanded him. "Mind your manners!"

"PLEASE keep your fuckin' hands off of me," Krycek said, curling his lip.

Mulder backhanded him again, making him yelp.

"Mulder, that looks like fun!" Scully said, "Could I try it?"

"Sure! C'mere, Slugger," Mulder said with a grin.

She ran over excitedly, sat her black bag on the table, and slapped Krycek hard, but he didn't move or make a sound. Puzzled, Scully looked up at Mulder. "What did I do wrong?" she said.

"Here, let me help you," Mulder said as he got behind her, nuzzled her, and wrapped his left arm around her waist. "It's all in the swing and where you land the slap. Keep your hand stiff, and I'll show you what I mean." His other hand held her right wrist, drew her arm back, and made her slap Krycek with enough force to knock the helpless man's head back.

"OWWWWW!" Krycek yelled.

"Oooooh, thanks Mulder," Scully said with a shiver as she looked up to him. "You know this is really..."

"Romantic?" Mulder laughed, and kissed her ear. 

"Yeah," Scully said with a contented sigh as she relaxed against him.

"I am so fucked," Krycek moaned.

"You are soooo right," Scully said smiling and nodding cheesily.

Byers stalked into the room wearing nothing but an Star Trek Enterprise towel, "Boys, the massage oil is getting cold, damn it! When I say I want a massage now, I mean I want a..." Byers stopped and stared at the manacled and blindfolded Krycek, then at the black bag, then at Mulder and Scully. "Who is he, why is he here, why is he trussed up like a bondage queen, and what's in that bag?" he said suspiciously.

Mulder and Scully quickly separated and went back into professional FBI agent mode.

"Didn't Frohike tell you?" Mulder asked, genuinely puzzled.

"FROHIKE!" Byers bellowed. "EXPLAIN!"

Frohike nervously ran his fingers through his hair, "Uhm, well...I uh..." he squeaked.

"Frohike, sweetie" Scully purred, "I'll explain everything to your top. Run along now, and get everyone a nice cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows, okay? 

"Yes ma'am, thank you, ma'am, I'll do that," Frohike said gratefully. "Isn't she hot?" he said to Mulder.

"Don't make me regret my generosity!" she laughed.

"You won't, I promise. I'm putting milk chocolate shavings on yours," Frohike said.

"Good boy, bribery always works with me," she said, beaming at him fondly as he ran to do her bidding.

"Ahem, I'm waaaaaaayting," Byers said sternly, tapping his foot.

"Meet Alex Krycek," Mulder said, giving Krycek a hateful punch. "This worthless piece of shit infected Walter's blood with nanotechnology. Thanks to him, poor Walter damn near had both arms amputated, and actually died once on the operating table."

"Nanotechnology! That's some heavy shit," Langley said. "Totally cutting edge."

Byers let out a low whistle, "Not to mention totally unpredictable! Even under the best of circumstances, Krycek couldn't be sure that he could control the nanocytes. Their programming could evolve out of his control, and they could start multiplying, and he wouldn't be able to stop them."

"Which is where you come in," Scully said firmly. "Mulder show him what we found."

Mulder pulled the Palm Pilot out of his purloined jacket. "We think he controls the nanocytes with this. With all of you working on hacking into the program..."

Byers laughed, "Look, we're good, but I have to be honest with you. Walter could be dead by the time we hack into the program, and if we did manage to hack into it..."

"Don't worry, Byers," Scully said confidently. "I know just how to cut down your research time. Krycek is going to help us."

Krycek snorted, "Not likely."

"How?" everyone else said in unison.

"Clear this table off, and get two chairs, Langley," Scully said.

Langley looked at Byers, and Byers nodded. Langley complied, and everyone looked expectantly at Scully.

Scully crooked her finger at Skinner. "Okay, sir, take your seat."

Skinner eyes widened in surprise. "Me? Agent Scully what exactly do you have in mind?" 

She smiled at him, and patted the seat of the chair.

After a moment's hesitation, Skinner reluctantly stepped out of the corner, and walked toward the chair, and screamed "SHIIIIIITTTTT!!!" as he was baptized by 7 cups of hot chocolate with marshmallows. Frantically, he ripped his shirt and pants off as fast as he could to get the boiling hot liquid off his skin.

"Jesus, I'm so sorry, big guy," Frohike stammered as helped Skinner tear off his hot chocolate soaked shirt and pants. "I didn't see you. I was carrying the tray, and I couldn't see! Are you okay?"

Skinner ignored him. He was desperately trying to get the wipe up all traces of hot chocolate and marshmallows off of his nude body with his jacket.

Langley ran off and came back with paper towels to sop up the mess, and a cold, wet dishtowel to soothe Skinner's burned flesh.

"AHHHH!" he said as Langley laid the cold towel on his flat, muscled stomach.

Seeing Byers furiously glare at Frohike, Scully laid her hand on Byers' arm, contritely looking into his eyes. "I'm sorry, but don't blame this mess on Frohike and Skinner. It's my fault, and I promise that I'll make it up to everyone." 

Byers nodded grudgingly, "Next time you're here, you're Princess Leia, and we're Jabba the Hut."

She pursed her lips, and said. "I'll pose in Princess Leia's outfit for you, and you can take pictures, but that's it."

Byers grinned. "It's a deal," he said, shaking her hand.

"Frohike, finish cleaning up, and bring more hot chocolate," Scully said authoritatively, "Sir, over here."

"Yes ma'am," Frohike said, and did as bidden.

"But I'm naked!" Skinner sputtered.

"Great minds think alike, eh Scully?" Krycek said, howling with laughter. "C'mon, Mulder, take off my blindfold. I wanna see." 

Mulder punched Krycek halfheartedly, and said, "Scully, don't you have any ointment or anything for the poor guy? You remember our conversation in the elevator don't you?"

"I'll take care of your toys," Scully said. "Byers, do you have a pair of old sweats that Skinner could borrow?"

Skinner looked at each of his agents. "Toys?" he said, raising both eyebrows. They smiled sweetly at him. He groaned.

"Are you kidding, Scully? None of us have shoulders like that. We don't have anything he could wear," Byers said thoughtfully, "but he could wrap up in my Xena Warrior Princess beach towel. It'd be better than nothing at all."

"Oh YEAH," Frohike said, looking up from his cleaning. "It's nice and big, and it's hot, just like the big guy! I'll go get it for him, and then I'll bring more chocolate." Frohike went into Byers' room, found the towel, came back, and gave it to Skinner.

Skinner sighed melodramatically, and got a sad, faraway look in his eyes as he knotted the towel around his waist. "Back in the good old days," he said nostalgically, "I know it's hard to believe, but I used to wear clothes every single day, all day long. My shirts were always fluorescent white, and everyone feared me so much that they never attempted to parboil my ass in caffeinated beverages." He looked down at the towel and grimaced. Xena's face was staring up at him balefully. "I don't like you either," he snarled at the towel's image.

Her lips twitching, Scully cleared her throat, and patted the chair again. She broke down and giggled as Skinner looked both ways with exaggerated carefulness, walked across the room to the chair, and hurriedly sat down.

"I'm going to check you for burns now," Scully said. She narrowed her eyes as she saw the large, angry splotch on his stomach. "Well, I know you're hurting, but thankfully, it's nothing serious," she said soothingly. She took a tube of ointment out of her bag, and put some on her fingers and with feather light touches smoothed it into the splotch. 

He hissed as she touched it, and blushed as she lifted the towel to continue her inspection. 

She looked him over carefully to the sound of numerous whistles and catcalls, "Ignore those assholes, sir," she said giving the unrepentant, smirking, sinners a laser beam stare. "I shouldn't even have to have you do this, but would you make everyone turn around, Mulder?"

"Okay, you heard her. The show's over," Mulder said, "Give the man some privacy. Turn your heads."

Everybody grumbled, but did as they were told.

"You're lucky," she said, as she daubed some ointment onto a blotch about 3 inches in diameter on his right inner thigh. "There's just this place here. It could have been embarrassing if it had splashed two inches higher and to the left."

"And this ISN'T?" Skinner growled, snatching the towel out of her hands, and smoothing it back over his legs.

"Could be worse. The Deputy Director could be here. Stand up and turn around," she ordered. He obeyed, and she continued her inspection, and once again lifted the towel, frowning as she saw the welts. "Looks like you got a burn on top of your welts."

"Agent Scully," Skinner said tightly as he tried to lower the towel back over his butt, "Thank you for your concern, but I don't think this merits your professional attention."

Scully slapped him on the hand, and he released his grip on the towel. "DOCTOR Scully to you right now," she said sternly. "For the record, you aren't qualified to decide what merits my professional attention in these matters. Hold still." She daubed ointment on his firm, red, well rounded ass, and pulled the towel back over it.

"Are we done yet, Agent Scully?" he said gritting his teeth.

"No, sit down. This won't take long, though, sir," she said patting him on the back. As he sat down, she went to the black bag, and pulled out a syringe, cotton balls, alcohol, latex gloves, and a rubber hose. "Stick out your arm, and make a fist," she said as she snapped on the latex.

As soon as he saw the syringe, he yanked his arm away and stood up. "We're done!" Skinner said. "I'm hailing a cab."

Mulder chuckled. "Let me get this straight. You're going to hail a cab, and your entire outfit consists of a Xena Warrior Princess towel? Unless Xena's carrying cash or traveler's checks, I don't think so."

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Krycek laughed with impunity while everyone was distracted, "And you laughed at my polyester suit from Sears!"

Red-faced and shaking, Skinner counted to ten, and held out his hand. "I need my wallet, Mulder," he snarled. "NOW."

"You need something else even more, sir," Mulder said, ominously slapping the side of his leg.

Sullenly, Skinner sat back down, and stuck out his arm. "Weren't the burns and the belting enough humiliation?" he muttered.

Scully patted his hand and smiled sympathetically, "I wish I could do this some other way, but it'll only be a little stick, and it's going to save your life." 

Skinner took a deep sigh and rubbed the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger. "It's been a lousy three weeks. I didn't mean to take it out on you."

She squeezed his hand. "Don't worry about it." She turned to Mulder, and said, "Take off Krycek's blindfold. I want him to see this." 

Everyone stared at her, but Scully explained nothing.

As soon as Krycek's blindfold was off, he fixed her with a narrowed-eyed stare. 

"Pay attention, Ratboy" she said as she prepared Skinner's arm, and drew blood in the syringe. "There will be a test afterwards."

"So are you going to experiment with it to find a cure?" Skinner said, watching his blood go into the syringe.

"Nope, I'm going to commit a felony with it, sir," Scully said. "Don't watch."

"Oh crap, I should have known Mulder would have this effect on you sooner or later," Skinner said, covering his eyes.

She held the syringe in front of a bug-eyed Krycek. "See this, you son of a bitch? This is infected blood. You saw me draw it out of Skinner's arm, so you know I'm not bullshitting you. You have ten seconds to give me the cure before it becomes a personal matter for you." 

Krycek backed away as far as he could, almost toppling over backwards in his chair.

Scully smiled evilly. "Have I ever mentioned how glad I am you wore a T-shirt under your leather jacket today?" she said. Holding the syringe like a killer holding a butcher knife, she stabbed it into Krycek's good arm, and slammed down the plunger.

"YOU BITCH!" Krycek screamed as he watched the contaminated blood surge into his body.

"Did I hear you call my Scully a bad name?" Mulder said thumping him on the head. 

"I take it back, I take it back! Now, could I *please* have some aspirin, Mulder? At least let me die without a headache," Krycek whined.

"NO! Whatever happens to Skinner happens to you too now, Ratboy," she said gleefully. 

"GREAT! I'll make the Sanka and the hot chocolate, and get the towels," Skinner said eagerly.

"I'LL BRING THE BELT," Byers and Langley said as they turned around to leer.

"Oh fuck," Krycek said miserably.

"If that doesn't scare you, try to imagine just how much pain one woman with a medical degree and a needle can cause," Mulder said grinning evilly.

"I don't know the whole cure," Krycek said even more miserably. "When I hacked into the Consortium system, I only got half of that program."

Mulder pulled Krycek up by a fistful of his T-shirt. "DON'T LIE TO ME!"

"I'M NOT!" he screamed. "IF HE DIES, I DIE! I'D TELL YOU IF I KNEW!"

Byers put his hand on Mulder's shoulder. "Don't despair. When Krycek gives us his lower level access code, we'll be able to hack the higher access codes and get the rest of the program, especially if you let us call in some help. The guy's a real hardass, but he's good."

Mulder let go of Krycek, turned around, and clapped Byers on the shoulder. "Do whatever you have to do. Just save Walter." 

Byers nodded. 

"Okay, dude," Langley said, flopping down on the floor in front of Krycek. "Tell us what you know..."

"Don't think I'll forget this," Krycek spat out.

"I certainly *hope* that you don't forget that we saved your life," Byers said coolly. "Now unless you'd prefer Mulder to ask the questions, apologize and answer Langley."

"I'm sorry, Langley," Krycek said, grimacing. 

"S'alright, dude. What's the story on this system?" Langley said.

Ignoring everyone else in the room, both of them started talking animatedly, Krycek still looking as if he couldn't believe how distasteful his position was.

Mulder laughed. "Would you look at Krycek? I haven't seen a face like that since your cat fell into the toilet, Byers."

Byers shrugged his shoulders. "Well, at least we have a working relationship with him now, and though he may not look like it, Langley's thorough."

"Hot chocolate for everyone," Frohike crowed. 

"No thanks," Skinner said hastily

"C'mon be brave. I've made some extra special adult hot chocolate just for you, big guy," Frohike laughed. 

Skinner scowled, but Frohike kept staring at him in anticipation. The A.D. gave in, sighing dramatically, and took a swig from the cup. A delighted smile spread over his face. "Scotch Chocolate! Thanks!" he said. He toasted Frohike, and drank it down.

"Any time, big guy," Frohike said smugly. 

He delivered the other cups of hot chocolate, leaving the most decadent cup by the equally delighted Agent Scully. Whipped cream, marshmallows, chocolate shavings and a cherry topped her cup. She gave Frohike a big hug and a kiss on the cheek that made him grin from ear to ear. 

"Well, we know who YOUR favorites are now, Frohike" Mulder said fondly. "I admire your good taste, though."

"And I envy your good fortune," Frohike sighed. "Don't bother to deny it either. We're not blind and stupid."

Mulder was as laconic as ever, but Skinner and Scully looked in surprised at each other at his words.

"I'll be damned," Byers said. "You win the pool, Frohike."

Frohike grinned, and walked over to Langley and Krycek.

"The pool?" Mulder said raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, I bet that you were fucking Scully, and Langley bet Skinner, and Frohike bet both. He won," Byers said sheepishly.

"Now that we have the truly *important* matters out of the way, I *do* hope that you could see your way clear to help me save Walter's life," Mulder said wryly.

Byers grinned. "Sure, no problem, Mulder, even if you did cost me a hundred bucks."

"Good," Mulder said, his eyes glinting with mischief. "You're a great guy, almost as great as Frohike, who is going to celebrate being $200 richer by buying Scully and Skinner and me lunch since we're the ones responsible for his good fortune. Isn't that right, Handsome?"

"Fuck you, punkass," Frohike said cheerfully.

"GNARLY FUCKIN' SHIT!" Langley yelled at his computer screen.

Krycek looked at Mulder, his eyes bulging out. "It's not my fault! I didn't do anything, I swear!"

Mulder curled his lip in disgust, clenched his fist, and walked over to Krycek. "Sure it is, Ratboy! You did it all. This whole fuckin' mess is your fault. You..."

Scully interrupted, "Hold that thought, Mulder. Now, what's the gnarly fuckin' shit, Langley?"

"According to the researcher's notes, we need TWO programs to infect the nanocytes," Langley said, slapping his computer monitor in frustration. "I got all of one, but I can't hack the second. I've run every firewall-breaking program we have too, goddamn it! Sorry, Byers, my man, you'll need to call your top in on this one."

"How about Frohike?" Byers said fearfully. "Let him try."

"Byers, I took a look at what he did," Frohike said placatingly. "He's done everything that I would have done."

"Sit down at the keyboard and try it anyway." Byers said, desperation rising in his voice. "Sometimes you can get ideas as you type."

"Suit yourself, dude," Langley shrugged, "but I'm telling you, we need an insider. Our Kung Fu is pretty good, and either one of us could hack into this system given enough time, but we don't have the time. We gotta call your top. Sure it'll piss him off to leave the Star Trek convention early, but with his contacts at the Consortium, he could get us the answer like that," he said snapping his fingers.

Krycek's eyes widened in horror. "Oh shit! Your top isn't the guy who always wears the Lt. Reg Barkley and Dr. Beverly Crusher Forever T-shirts, is he?"

Byers nodded miserably.

"We won't be able to sit down for WEEKS!" Krycek and Byers groaned.

"Cheer up, Byers," Mulder laughed. "With Pantene Boy's butt to abuse, he won't even know your ass exists. Call him, even if he is insane."

"What do you mean?" Byers asked.

"Everyone knows that Riker, Worf, and Troi are sleeping together, and that Picard, Crusher, and Data are sleeping together!" Mulder said scornfully.

"Bullshit!" Byers snapped. "Everyone knows that Crusher and Troi are sleeping together, and that Picard is sleeping with Commander Riker and Worf, and Data is sleeping with everyone."

"You can jump in and help me any time, Scully" Mulder said accusingly.

"Sorry, Mulder," she smirked. "Everybody knows that Picard, Riker, and Crusher are sleeping together, but Crusher has a thing going with Ensign Ro Laren on the side."

Mulder's eyes narrowed. "So, Scully, what *did* you mean when you said that you and Holly ate out last night?"

Scully blushed. "Never mind that now. We need to save Walter."

"Hate to interrupt the great conversation dudes," Langley said "but your top is on his way, Byers. We really need to suck up to him. He was third in line for Gates McFadden's autograph. She was wearing a rubber dress too, dude."

Byers ran his fingers through his hair, panicking. "Damn, we need to roll out the red carpet, and FAST! Langley, order five pizza supremes."

"Check," Langley said, as he loped off to the telephone.

"Frohike," Byers said, "make a pitcher of Tang, and DON'T spike it this time! Make sure we have plenty of Twinkies, Ding-Dongs, and the stuff for hot chocolate, and go to the store if we're out. Oh, and while you're at it, buy plenty of chocolate-cherry Moon Pies, Cheese Whiz, bean dip, Cheetos, Fritos, Doritos... Oh hell, just buy one of everything that ends in "itos".

"Check, boss man," Frohike said as he went to the kitchen.

" I'll get the bedrooms ready. Langley, you help me after you're through ordering."

"Checkerino again, boss," Langley said.

"Mulder you and Skinner wash the dishes, and Skinner DON'T even think about drying them with the towel your wearing," Byers added firmly.

"Yes *sir*," Skinner said sarcastically. "I promise I won't use my dick for a cup hook either."

Byers glared furiously at Mulder.

Mulder laughed, "Oh don't be so goddamn prissy, Byers. I can't believe you're still upset about that. I was drunk when I did it, and you were the one who took the pictures." He nodded at Walter. "Get to work, gorgeous. I'll bring in the cups in just a second."

Byers glared at Mulder.

"In my hands, Byers, in my hands, don't worry," Mulder added with a smirk.

"FROHIKE took the pictures, Mulder, and neither one of you bothered to tell me about what your photo shoot was about until I had had my first cup of coffee. You could have at LEAST rinsed out the cup!" Byers said. 

"Byers, I volunteer to sweep up," Scully said quickly. "Why don't you think of something for Ratboy to do?"

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, thanks Scully," Byers said, "Put a dustcloth in Krycek's mouth and let him do the dusting. Krycek, if I see one speck of dirt, I know a little ratbastard who will be standing up for a week. MULDER! Don't you DARE throw dirt on the floor to get him in trouble!"

Mulder looked at Byers with an innocent expression on his face "What? I didn't say that, did I?"

"You were thinking it," Byers said angrily.

"Busted," Mulder said raising his hands in mock surrender. "I'll be good."

Gratefully, Krycek fluttered his long black eyelashes at Byers, looking as if he would swoon at any moment. He would have looked far more seductive without the dustcloth Scully had just placed in his mouth, of course, but Byers was flattered nonetheless.

They all set about their appointed tasks, and at Byers insistence, freshened up. The Lone Gunmen Headquarters and its occupants were absolutely immaculate within an hour. This gave them a few moments to pace nervously while they waited for Byers' top to arrive.

"Oh shit!" Byers said wringing his hands, "I hope he wasn't too pissed off."

"Me too," Frohike said sympathetically.

"Yeah, dude," Langley said tossing his hair whatever you get, we'll get ten times worse because we're the subs."

"Well, I'm the sub's sub," Krycek whined. "That means that I'll..."

"....Get exactly what you deserve," Mulder finished.

Skinner shifted very uncomfortably upon hearing THAT. "Well, I've got to be at work bright and early tomorrow, so my agents and I will be going," he said getting up.

"Sit down!" Byers said irritably. "Tomorrow's Saturday, and even Mulder will concede that this is all about you. Besides, maybe seeing you in the towel will put my top in a good mood."

"Why don't we make Krycek wear a towel too?" Scully said with a leer. "I'm sure two men in a towel will be even better."

"Good thinking, Scully," Byers said gratefully. "Frohike, go get another towel. Scully, you and Mulder handle undressing him. Maybe my top will be in such a good mood that he'll settle for paddling one butt instead whipping every one in reach."

"Please! Don't turn me over to him." Krycek said, fluttering his eyelashes so hard at Byers that Mulder was afraid that the traitor would take to the skies.

"I can't WAIT to see this guy," Mulder said as he and Scully unlocked his leg irons and pulled off his jeans, and socks and shoes. "He must be one tough customer."

"Mulder, I'd rather face an army of alien bounty hunters than this guy," Krycek said wide-eyed and shaking.

"Oh gross," Scully said, wrinkling her nose. "No underwear. I'd hate to do your laundry, Ratboy."

"Walter, come over here," Mulder said. "If he tries to get away while we unlock him and undress him, punch him as hard as you can, and count every punch. I mean it! I'm going to give him two punches for every one of yours."

"Yes, sir, Mulder, sir!" Skinner said, grinning ferally at Krycek. "I'll practice counting: 2, 4, 6, 8, 27..."

Krycek smiled meekly, and submitted without a struggle to his T-shirt being pulled off, and being re-chained.

"I found the custom painted Beverly Crusher towel that Langley did," Frohike said proudly. "Your top should like the gift wrapping just as much as his gift."

Frohike wrapped the towel around Krycek's waist, as Mulder ridiculed him. Frohike had just finished knotting the towel so that Dr. Crusher's face was in front, when they all heard a hellaciously loud knock at the door. The Gunmen listened intently and counted the knocks.

Byers, Langley, Frohike, and Krycek turned a sickly pale color.

Byers gulped, "He's here. Let him in."

Frohike and Langley ran to the door, and undid the door locks. The door slammed open, revealing the man that Byers, Frohike, Langley, and Krycek had so dreaded seeing.

Mulder, Scully and Skinner stared in amazement. "AGENT PENDRELL?" they said.

"Byers! Pizza, Cheetos, Cheez Whiz, Ding Dongs, Tang, NOW!" Pendrell barked.

"Yes sir," Byers said. "Frohike! Langley! You heard the man! Do it!"

"Yes sir," Frohike and Langley said, and scrambled to the kitchen, practically sliding on the waxed floor. Sounds of clinking, clattering dishes, slamming cabinet and refrigerator doors, and "Watch it, Doohickey," and "Fuck you, Goldilocks" filled the air. Pendrell was determined to spend the time waiting glowering at Byers, who was looking smaller by the moment. 

"FROHIKE ARE YOU AND LANGLEY HAVING TO GROW THE GODDAMN CRYSTALS FOR THE TANG YOURSELVES? MOVE IT!" Byers yelled.

"WE'RE ON OUR WAY, MY SURLY SIR," Frohike yelled back.

They quickly wheeled out the feast. "Everything is freshly chilled just the way you like it, dude, uh sir," Langley said.

"Yeah, and the Tang is double strength, and we got Ding Dongs AND Moon Pies," Frohike said. "Nothing but the best for you, sir!"

Pendrell walked over to the groaning food carts, giving each item a narrowed-eyed stare. He picked up a chilled glass of double strength Tang, and a piece of gelid, greasy pizza. 

Everyone inhaled sharply as Pendrell swirled the Tang in its glass and breathed in the fragrance of the garishly orange drink. He sipped the drink, and swished it around in his mouth, and followed that with a bite of pizza. His eyes took on a faraway look, as he considered the merits of each. He swallowed, and looked at each member of his breathless audience, and then, and only then, he nodded. 

A collective sigh filled the room as everyone exhaled. 

Pendrell stretched out his hand, and without looking, said, "Cheez Whiz."

Frohike slapped it into his hand, waiting for his next orders. 

Pendrell didn't spare Frohike a backward glance. "Yo, Byers, here!" Pendrell said, pointing at the spot where he wanted him to stand. 

Nervously, Byers walked over to his top, and cringed in front of him, eyes downcast.

Pendrell squirted the Cheez Whiz all over Byers' mouth. The Ubergeek dragged Byers over to the wall threw him against it, sucking, licking, and kissing the Cheez Whiz off his mouth and beard until Byers' knees gave out. He watched his whimpering sub slide down the wall, and crouched over him. "I want to know why I was dragged away from Gates McFadden just when I was about to get a kiss and an autograph. For your sake, you better have a damned good reason!" Pendrell said menacingly as he viciously pinched and twisted Byers' nipple. 

Byers screamed, incapable of answering, while Pendrell continued twisting, and applied the nipple clamps.

"Oooh, he's using official Star Trek communicator badges as nipple clamps: that's gotta hurt," Mulder said, wincing.

"This can't be the same, sweet Agent Danny Pendrell that I knew," Scully said, her blue eyes wide with shock. "No WONDER Byers was so afraid of him."

"You wouldn't be getting a little nervous about the fate of your own nipples, now would you, Dr. Crusher?" Mulder leered.

Scully shot Mulder an evil glare. "Don't start that nervous Dr. Crusher shit with ME, asshole. I can take on Pendrell, or any other man in this room, for that matter. The one you have to worry about is Captain Picard," she said, nodding her head in Skinner's direction.

"Ulp, you aren't going to, ah, give me away if he asks for me, are you?" Skinner said nervously, staring pleadingly first at Scully, then at Mulder.

Mulder grabbed the knot on Skinner's towel, and pulled him into a hug, "Don't worry about Pendrell, Walter," Mulder said soothingly as he held him tight. "Your ass is safe from everyone but Scully and me."

Skinner moaned, resting his cheek on Mulder's shoulder. "I'm doomed."

Scully chuckled and gently patted Skinner's ass. "You'll live through us. Don't worry, Walter. We'll distract Pendrell from you. Look, there's the perfect distraction right there!"

Mulder and Skinner looked in the direction that Scully was pointing to see Krycek hopping and rattling toward the door as best he could in his chains.

"PENDRELL! THERE'S THE MAN RESPONSIBLE FOR RUINING YOUR EVENING WITH GATES MCFADDEN," Mulder and Scully shouted.

Pendrell looked up from Byers who smiled gratefully at them. Pendrell looked like a bull on crack that had just cornered the matador who'd been sticking swords in him for the last two hours.

"STAY BACK!" Krycek screamed frantically. "I'M ARMED!"

To his chagrin, everybody had a good hearty laugh at his expense over this.

"Go ahead, laugh," Krycek snarled, "but the weapon I have in my prosthetic will make mincemeat out of every single one of you." With that, Krycek banged his prosthetic arm against the door, and up like a switchblade, popped the dreaded weapon.

Mulder howled with laughter. "A pop bottle opener! You fucking have a pop bottle opener in your prosthetic? What are you trying to do, make us laugh so hard that we'll be too helpless to chase after you?"

Krycek blushed. "Oh shit. This morning, I must have grabbed the Swiss Army prosthetic I use for camping by mistake."

Langley walked over and popped the top off of his Chocolate Soldier with the prosthetic's bottle opener. "Thanks dude," he said, saluting Krycek with the nerdy beverage before he sauntered off.

While everyone else was laughing hysterically, Pendrell bellowed, and charged Krycek. Krycek hopped as fast as he could, but he lost the battle when he tripped, and fell face downward on a table.

"How thoughtful of you to assume the position, Ratboy," Pendrell said, laughing as he removed his Mr. Spock belt. 

Krycek whimpered pitifully, "I didn't do anything, I swear! It was all these..."

"SHUT UP!" Pendrell roared. Turning toward everyone else in the room, he said, "I'll take first crack at him, then everyone else can spank him while I find out what's going on. Get ready!"

Everyone scrambled around for whatever spanking implements that they could find. Soon, they were standing in line behind the masterful ubergeek, holding variously a fly swatter, a hair brush, a golf club, a Sword of Wounding, a banjo, and an Official Luke Skywalker Light Saber.

Pendrell raised Krycek's towel, and began smacking his little butt, ignoring Ratboy's agonized cries for mercy.

THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP

"CHRIST! I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY! I JUST WANTED TO BE A TOP FOR A CHANGE! THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I COULD!" Krycek yelled.

"That's for the autograph!" Pendrell said impassively.

THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP

"OOOWWWW! OUCH! FUCK! DAMN! SHIT!" Krycek said, "I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU HONEST! IT WAS JUST A LITTLE JOKE!"

THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP

"OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH! I CCCAN'T TTTAKE ANY MORE!!!" Krycek said with a quavering voice. "PLEASE!"

THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP

"That's for the kiss," Pendrell said, unmoved as he watched Krycek's face screw up with the effort of trying not to burst in to tears. "What else did he do?"

"He infected and tortured our sub with nanocytes," Mulder said ominously, as he brandished the light saber. "Damn near killed him."

"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO STOLE MY NANOCYTES AFTER I TOLD YOU THAT THEY WERE A FAILURE!?!" Pendrell roared. "YOU'LL NEVER SIT DOWN AGAIN!"

THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP

"GGGGGGGOD! HAVE MERCY!!!" Krycek screamed. "I WWWWWWWON'T DO IT AGAIN! I SSSSSSWEAR!"

THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP

Krycek began to bawl uninhibitedly, as if his heart were breaking, unable to talk for the rest of the spanking. His tears flowed freely, making his dark lashes even darker. Pendrell gave him two more strokes just to drive home his point.

Skinner smiled with grim pleasure as he looked at Krycek's round, red, swollen little butt. Ratboy was crying so uncontrollably that Langley and Frohike dropped out of line. The others were cheerfully unsympathetic. Mulder and Scully smirked, and Skinner and Byers looked like the poster children for evil delight. 

Pendrell stopped, looked Skinner up and down, and whistled appreciatively. "Next," he said.

Skinner tried to run away, but Mulder grabbed him and held him tight. "You don't have anything to worry about from Pendrell. He means you get to spank Ratboy next," Mulder said gently.

Skinner's expressive brown eyes widened as he looked at Pendrell for reassurance. 

Pendrell winked and nodded his head. "Mulder's right. I'm in a great mood now. Have fun," he said, stepping aside.

"Thank you sir," Skinner said, as he lowered his eyes. "I'm honored."

Pendrell smiled fondly. "You've trained him well, Mulder. You can tell that he's a sub by his choice of spanking implements, though. I just don't think that a driver is the right club for this job."

"FORE!" Skinner said, as he swung the golf club at Krycek's ass.

"EYAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Krycek screamed. 

"Apparently it is," Mulder said dryly.

"Close enough for government work," Pendrell grudgingly conceded.

Krycek slid off the table to the floor, and groveled at Skinner's feet, sobbing and hiccuping.

"Is that all you going to give him for nearly killing you?" Pendrell said quirking an eyebrow.

"He's reached his limit," Skinner said with a shrug, as he roughly helped Krycek up and sat him down so hard on the chair that he yelped. "Besides, Scully paid him back for the nanocytes by infecting him with my blood."

"Dr. Crush... ah, Scully," Pendrell said, smiling delightedly, "I'm impressed!"

"Thanks," Scully said, blanching at Pendrell's slip of tongue.

"Langley and Frohike, come over here and help me with the program," Pendrell said. "Dr. Scully, we'll need you later to test the blood to make sure everything has gone as planned."

"But what about ME?" Byers pouted and wiggled his butt, as he wielded the banjo like Babe Ruth. "Don't I get to spank him?"

Pendrell patted his lap, "C'mere. Now," he said sternly, "And don't you dare get cute and put that banjo on my knee, or you'll regret it."

Byers put the banjo on top of the cabinet, cautiously walked over, and quickly sat down on the ubertop's lap. He waited for his next order, eyes downcast but sullen

Roughly, Pendrell drew Byers close to him, and kissed him so hard on the mouth that the leader of the Lone Gunmen was breathless and shaking by the time they broke out of the clinch. 

Byers leaned against Pendrell's chest, whimpering and nuzzling happily, while his master stroked his hair and beard. 

Pleased with his sub, Pendrell pulled out his wallet, and gave him a credit card, "Here Riker," he said huskily. "Treat yourself. Buy out the store if you like."

Byers eyes lit up like Times Square as he looked at it. "Omigod! You gave me your Radio Shack card! You DO love me after all! Gee thanks, Captain, sir!"

"Yeah, I do, and you're welcome. Now run along and get ready for me," Pendrell said, slapping his sub's flank.

Byers slid off Pendrell's lap, and ran happily to the bedroom. 

Langley and Frohike watched him leave, both looking positively green with envy. 

"Don't worry," Pendrell said clapping Langley on the shoulder. "You two will benefit from the trickle down effect."

"GENTLEMEN," Mulder said sharply to Frohike and Langley, "sulk on your own borrowed time, not on Walter's. He needs a cure for the nanocytes, and fast."

"You'll get it fast, too," Pendrell said smugly. "Skinner, Krycek. Stand in front of me. As for you other gentlemen, I need Krycek's Palm Pilot, and Langley's redesigned and customized Game Boy, and The Star Trek: The Next Generation game that Frohike wrote."

Skinner dragged Krycek over to stand in front of the masterful geeks, and waited for instructions. Mulder, Langley, and Frohike quickly supplied Pendrell with what he requested, and Frohike anticipated his next request, and supplied him with the interface between the two machines.

"Excellent, Frohike!" Pendrell beamed. "You catch on fast."

"Thank you, sir," Frohike said. "That's program of yours is hot. I never would have dreamed that the second program was MY game, and that we had the cure here all along!"

"Hmph. You better let ME play the game, dude sir," Langley sneered. "I don't care if Frohike did design it, I win it more often."

"Then in that case, you don't get to play the game. I want whoever plays it to lose," Pendrell said firmly.

"But, sir, if you do that, you'll destroy the Enterprise," Frohike stammered. 

Langley, Frohike and Mulder gaped at Pendrell, then slowly broke out into grins as they realized why Pendrell set up the program that way. 

"BITCHIN'!" Langley said delightedly. "So when we destroy the Enterprise, the nanocytes are destroyed! That is so cool! We better call Byers in here. He's going to want in on the fun."

"Nah," Pendrell said as he hooked up the two handheld electronic devices, "he'll have such a great time later and so much fun in Radio Shack that he won't care. Besides, there only needs to be three of us. There! Done. Does everyone remember what to say? The program won't respond unless you say your part exactly right."

"YES, SIR!" Langley and Frohike said.

Pendrell lean over the two devices, and solemnly intoned, "Picard, Jean Luc, Captain, USS Enterprise E. Destruct sequence 11A1B."

Skinner, Krycek, and Scully rolled their eyes, and Mulder shook his head and chuckled.

Langley leaned over and said, "Data, Commander, USS Enterprise E. Destruct sequence 12A2B."

"Thank God, he didn't say dude," Scully whispered to Mulder. "I don't think I could have taken a Valley Boy Data."

Mulder snickered, and said "Shhh!" with mock severity.

Frohike leaned over and said stentorianly, "Worf, Lieutenant, USS Enterprise E. Destruct sequence 13A3B."

Even Pendrell and Langley were having a hard time keeping a straight face after that, but turned their heads in order to spare Frohike's feelings.

"Destruct sequence engaged!" the tinny computer voice said in a reasonable imitation of Dr. Crusher. " 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1! All nanocytes within target area have been destroyed."

To everyone's surprise, Skinner sat on the floor, and started to giggle helplessly. He finally stammered out, "Beam me up, Scotty," then collapsed into giggles again.

Pendrell's eyes narrowed, and he went for his belt. "I didn't miss Gates McFadden to get laughed at," he said ominously. "Especially after I just saved your life."

Scully said hastily, "Look Mulder, Walter's having another nervous breakdown! You better calm him down fast before he starts crying again. You know how the nanocytes have affected his mind."

Skinner abruptly stopped laughing and stared quizzically at Scully, but Scully just kept rambling, making up lies as she went along, holding Pendrell's gaze, "You have no idea how fragile he got after he died on the OR table. All those nightmares, the shakes...."

"I can verify that," Mulder said as he knelt down beside Skinner. He took the befuddled AD into his arms and, with a tender, loving expression on his face, whispered, "Any more outbursts like that, and I'll kick your butt. What are you trying to do? Make us his subs for LIFE? Why can't you ever laugh like this when we're safe at home, you dipshit?"

Pendrell's expression softened. "I guess he has gone through a lot the past few days. No wonder he broke down. Maybe you should give him a sedative or something."

"Oh, we're going to give him something alright," Mulder whispered maliciously so that only Skinner could hear him, and nodded at Pendrell.

Skinner moaned pitifully as Mulder patted him on the back. 

Pendrell, Langley, and Frohike, totally misinterpreting the reason for that moan, looked at Skinner with great sympathy and shook their heads.

"Yes, poor thing. I'll give him a sedative later," Scully said, struggling not to smirk since she had guessed what Mulder had told Skinner. "My next step though, as soon as we get both men calmed down, is to take some blood samples, and see if your program really did cure them."

"You and Mulder take care of your sub," Pendrell said as he walked towards Krycek. "I'll take care of Ratboy." 

Krycek's head shot up at that, and his teary eyes were round with terror.

"Don't worry," Pendrell said as he patted Krycek's head, "If you're a very good boy for the time being, I won't hurt you. Too bad. You look good in tears and welts...maybe just one more swat..." 

"Hey Pendrell," Mulder said, "let me have a crack at him."

Krycek drew back dramatically and whimpered, lips quivering. He looked like a 3-year-old child.

"PENDRELL! MULDER!" Scully said sharply. "I said for you two to calm them down, not terrorize them! Behave yourselves."

Pendrell walked back over to Scully, stood nose to nose with her, and grinned, "Are you going to make me behave?"

Scully put her arms around Pendrell, and lasciviously rubbing against him, gave him a French kiss that had him moaning joyfully into her mouth. Slowly, luxuriously, she moved her right hand down to his trousers, unzipped him, pulled out his weeping cock, and expertly stroked Pendrell into geekboy paradise. 

When he came with a deliriously happy scream a few minutes later, Scully broke their kiss, and smiled sweetly. "No, I'm not going to make you do anything, Captain Pendy, and I won't even try. You're going to do what I say anyway because I ask you so nicely though, aren't you?"

"Duuuhhh, yes Beverly" Pendrell said, nodding his head vigorously.

She snickered, patted his cheek, and said, "Good. You boys do your job, and I'll do mine."

Thanks to Byers having equipped the Lone Gunmen's headquarters almost as well as the FBI laboratory, Scully was able to perform the needed tests and get the results back with in an hour. 

"Pendrell, it appears your programs were a success," Scully said. 

"Of course," Pendrell said smugly. "If he gets infected again, you know what to do now. I'll give you copies of everything, and store them in several locations. You can't be threatened by the nanocytes again."

"So now, on to the other business at hand?" Mulder said.

"Discipline and sex?" Pendrell said.

"YES!" Mulder and Scully said while the subs cringed.

"YES! LET THE PARTY BEGIN!" Pendrell shouted with glee.

"Could Mulder and Skinner and I have our own bedroom, Pendy?" Scully said sultrily.

"Of course, Dr. Beverly!" Pendrell beamed at her. "I'm going to take the master bedroom since there's going to be five of us, and only three of you, but feel free to use one of the other bedrooms."

Mulder cracked up when he saw Krycek's reaction to that announcement. Ratboy's face looked like he'd just seen horrible things done with straws to baby hamsters, with the promise of the same being done to him.

"That's okay, Pendrell," Mulder said as he relished Ratboy's misery. "We just need a bedroom with the usual amenities and one small special request."

"I make sure that the boys always keep our bedrooms well supplied with lube and assorted toys," Pendrell said arching his eyebrow, "and we have plenty of condoms, even if all of them are green because the boys always fight over who gets to be Mister Spock. I don't know about the special request, though. What did you have in mind exactly?"

"Vlassic prophylactics. What a turn on," Skinner muttered so that only Mulder and Scully could hear him. "There's nothing sexier than a pickle dick."

Skinner shut up when Mulder scowled at him, and walked over and put his arm around Pendrell, and motioned for Scully to join them. When the tops turned their backs on the subs to converse in low tones, it worried the hell out of all them. Their eyebrows shot up, and they looked at each other anxiously when Mulder tried to give the ubergeek three twenties, but Pendrell refused them, smiling and shaking his head. 

Pendrell, Mulder and Scully laughed when they saw the apprehensive subs, shook hands, and walked back to rejoin them.

"I hid the damn things in the back of hall closet twelve broken blow dryers and a dead monitor until I could determine a suitably horrible death for them," Pendrell said, clapping Mulder on the back, and winking at Scully. "If they're still there, you're more than welcome to have them."

"Thanks Pendrell," Mulder said shaking his hand. "I appreciate it." Mulder turned to Scully and said, "I'm going to get our extra supplies. I SWEAR that I'm not ditching you, so don't come after me waving your gun, okay Killer?"

"It's a deal," Scully deadpanned. "If you're gone too long, I promise that I won't come after you with anything more deadly than a 27" long strap-on."

Smiling wryly, Mulder gave her the finger, and went down the hallway.

As hairdryers clunking on the floor resounded in the hallway, Pendrell motioned to Langley and Frohike, and nodded at Krycek. They gulped, but the two geeks went to Krycek, who hunkered down forlornly, and helped him up. The three of them followed Pendrell to the master bedroom.

Skinner peeked inside when the door opened, and sighed with relief as he saw Langley's fluorescent paint murals of Star Trek heroes engaging in carnal activities. "Thank GOD that we didn't get THAT room," he said. "That's more than I ever wanted to know about Worf's ugly dick."

"Shhhh!" Scully said sternly, although she heartily agreed with him. "They'll hear you."

Mulder came back dragging two huge laundry bags, and grunted, "There'll be time to talk later. Open the door to our room, will ya?"

Scully opened the door and shared a look of sick dismay with Skinner. It was a shrine to Mr. Spock and Captain Kirk. Their images where everywhere, from floor to ceiling.

Mulder dragged the laundry bags inside the room to the foot of the bed, and whistled as he looked around him. "This is great!" he exclaimed happily, totally unaware of the angst that the room decor caused for his lovers. "We must have gotten Frohike's room! He's a TOS freak

"TOS freak!" Skinner said fearfully. "I've always suspected that Frohike was a weirdo. I bet TOS involves sharp objects and bloodletting, doesn't it?"

"Calm down. TOS just stands for The Original Series, as in Star Trek's Original Series," Mulder said as he reverently touched the Spock-shaped lamps and drawer knobs. "Would you look at the detail on this stuff! It's fantastic. Some of this has just got to be worth a lot of money. Wouldn't you give anything to have something this great at your apartment, Walter?" 

"Oh yeah. All I have are a couple of Hokusai prints, and a Rosetti sketch," Skinner said acidly, disdainfully crossing his arms. "Why would I want to bother with world class art when I could have Star Trek lamps and drawer knobs?" It was hard to look smugly superior while dressed only in a Xena towel, but he just managed.

"THAT DOES IT!" Mulder bellowed at the surprised sub. "ON THE BED, FACE DOWN! ***NOW***!!"

Skinner quickly complied when he saw Mulder, red-faced and wild-eyed, drawing back his fist. The sub backed carefully onto the bed, and turned over as quickly as he could, covering his ass with both hands.

"Oh my GOD, Mulder, you look like you're going to blow a blood vessel," Scully said as she handed him a sword. "You need to calm down, and take out your frustrations first. Here's that extra Sword of Wounding that Pendy said that you could borrow...

Skinner jerked his head up, and looked over his shoulder, his eyes round with terror. "Sword of Wounding! I *knew* bloodletting was going to be involved!" 

Mulder glowered and brandished the sword as though Skinner shishkabob was on his menu. "SHUT! UP!" 

Skinner turned his head away and fast, breathing hard and heavy.

Scully went over to Skinner and sat down beside him. She took off his glasses, and set them carefully on the Mr. Spock lamp's nose and pointed ears. She tucked two fingers under Skinner's chin, and raised it. "You know better than that, Walter," she said giving him her most piercing stare, "but I know you're just egging him on because you want the spanking as much as he wants to give it, so I'll overlook it." 

He blushed and bit his lip, looking especially boyish without the wirerims to hide his dark, expressive eyes. 

"Your conscience must be killing you," she said, slapping his hands away, and tugging his towel up to expose his red ass, "to make such an outlandishly silly accusation! You know you deserve whatever we dish out." 

"NO MA'AM, I DON'T!" Skinner said emphatically, trying to cover his ass again, "Krycek should be the one getting his ass beaten not me. I didn't do a thing to deserve this!"

Scully slapped his hand, then smacked his butt, loving the way it bounced, and the satisfying yelp that Skinner made. "Don't touch the towel, and don't you DARE lie, Walter. Not even YOU would want the kind of spanking you'd get for that. Your cute little behind wouldn't recover for a month from what Mulder would do to it if he caught you lying again. You know how he feels about lies and cover-ups."

"Yes ma'am," Skinner said forlornly. He was the picture of melodramatic despondency. 

"Oh stop that," Scully laughed, "We're going to spank you, not have you put to death, sweetie." She slid her hand between his long, muscular legs, over his balls, gently fondling them, then stroking up to his cock. "Like that?" she said.

"Oh god yeah!" Skinner sighed, arching back to her hand. He was getting harder with every teasing stroke of her hand.

"If you're a good sub," she said as she withdrew her hand and stroked his back, "there's more where that came from."

"Couldn't we just skip straight to the good part?" Skinner wheedled. 

"You mean the spanking?" Scully asked mischievously.

"I think I better behave myself before I dig myself in deeper," Skinner sighed.

"A wise decision," Scully laughed, and patted him. "Too bad you didn't make it earlier, sweetheart."

Meanwhile, Mulder furiously ripped a dozen towels from the bag until he finally found the hideous one that he was looking for. It was a beach towel of Celine Dion in full arm flinging mode. He carefully pulled back the Captain Kirk curtains, and tied the Celine Dion towel to the Mr. Spock curtain rod so that it appeared that she was hanging there by her outstretched hands. After tying the towel at the bottom to the Enterprise curtain stays, Mulder struck back.

Raising the Sword of Wounding, he thrust it into the towel right into Celine's tonsils. "That's for 'My Heart Will Go On' and on and on and on!" he snarled, making a gash in the towel each time he said on. "You're the reason chick flicks have a bad name. The goddamn Titanic couldn't sink fast enough for me after listening to you."

Skinner started to shake as he heard the fabric ripping and made a silent vow to burn his Titanic videotape, despite the megacrush he had on Kate Winslett. 

"Jesus, Mulder, if I had known you hated the movie that much, I wouldn't have asked you to sit through it twice," Scully said between giggles.

"You were cruel, Scully, and especially cruel to sang that damn song all the way home," Mulder said as he untied the remnants of the towel, and tossed them to her. "Here," he said. "If you're not *too* busy giggling, help me tie him up with these." 

While Scully snickered and tied Skinner's wrists to the ithyphallic Mr. Spock bedposts, Mulder tied his ankles.

"You forgot to close the curtains," Scully said she said as she finished tying up Skinner. "We don't want the Lone Gunmen getting kicked out of their building because of us."

As if on cue, Mulder, Scully, and Skinner heard Krycek's voice through the walls, "JESUS! What's with the scuba diving outfits, and why are you all wearing telephoto lenses over your right eyes?"

"WE ARE THE BORG," the geek chorus said. "PREPARE TO BE ASSIMILATED!"

"AAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!" Krycek said over many thumping and bumping sounds.

"Somehow, I don't think that anyone will even notice that we're here," Mulder said dryly, as he closed the curtains.

"I'll admit that you DO have a point," Scully said. "So how do you want to work this."

"I thought we'd do a Quantico spanking," Mulder said as he took two wet towels out of the other laundry bag, and handed one to Scully.

"QUANTICO spanking!" Skinner said, pulling at his wrist restraints. "Since when do they teach spanking at Quantico?"

"Since I taught a few classes there," Scully laughed and winked at Mulder. "I run a very strict classroom."

Skinner made a mental note to do a surprise classroom inspection of each Quantico instructor. // It's so good to know that replacement tops are available.//

Mulder and Scully each took up position by a Skinner butt cheek. "We'll do this on my mark," Mulder said.

Scully nodded. 

Both twirled their towels, and Mulder mouthed the countdown, 3-2-1 NOW......

SNAP!!!

"HEY!" Skinner yelled outraged, jerking against his bonds as both agents' towels simultaneously smacking his taut ass. "Two against one! This isn't fair, damn it, and besides, only geeks get towels snapped at their butts!"

SNAP! 

"Don't bitch to us about the towels, Walter," Scully said. "You're the one who thinks that Canon is a designer label for men's wear."

"As for us ganging up on you, I'm a reasonable man," Mulder said firmly. "You can take your punishment from both of us at the same time, or one of us right after the other, it makes no difference to me. "Either way, your ass catches it from both of us."

"I'll take two towels at once," Skinner said sulkily, pissed and disappointed by his punishment.

Mulder caught the rebelliousness of his new sub, and swiftly let him know it. "Two at once, WHAT?" he said angrily.

SNAP! SNAP! 

"Two at once, SIR!" Skinner grunted grudgingly.

"Much better. Now, tell us why you're being punished," Scully said severely.

"Because I insulted this Star Trek room because I'm such an art snob, MA'AM." Skinner said sullenly.

SNAP! SNAP! 

Skinner writhed and twisted as the towels slapped against his thighs and butt, determined not to yell out, or give Mulder and Scully any more satisfaction whatsoever. He couldn't help but give his tops satisfaction, though. 

Scully and Mulder delighted in the way Skinner's muscles moved under the skin of his broad back with every snap of the towel, and the beautiful warm red color that his firm, glistening, curvy butt was turning. They found his vulnerability coupled with his handsomeness and superb physique an intoxicating combination.

"What else?" Scully said. "ANSWER ME! Don't play the silent macho man with me, Walter, or I'll double your punishment."

"I was disrespectful of your friends by being sarcastic about the pickle green condoms and being disrespectful of Worf's dick, ma'am," Skinner sighed mournfully, sadly shaking his head.

SNAP!

One towel snap was all the toppy agents could manage without cracking up. Mulder's lips were twitching, and his shoulders were shaking, while Scully buried her face in Mulder's shoulder and giggled soundlessly. 

Finally, she composed herself, and wiped the tears from her eyes. "We'd settle for you showing the proper respect to us and our friends, even if you can't manage any for Worf's dick, Walter," Scully said, amusement twinkling in her eyes. "You can start showing us some right now by confessing another one of your sins to us, sweetie."

"I made fun of the Star Trek game that destroyed the nanocytes, ma'am, and I'm sorry." he said respectfully, but much more quickly than before.

SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! SNAP!

"Mmph!" Skinner stifled a scream. After Krycek's belting, the snapping towels were exquisitely painful on Skinner's welted behind. Skinner bit his lip, to keep from crying out any more, but tears were welling up and threatening to fall down his face, to his intense embarrassment. Using every ounce of self-control he had, he willed himself to calm down, thinking his punishment would be over soon. He couldn't think of anything else that they would be pissed about... except one, and with that thought his heart sunk to his knees.

Mulder smiled, as he watched the interplay of emotions that Skinner unwittingly expressed with his body. From experience, he knew when his sub was to the breaking point, just by looking at the way his muscles slightly tensed, or a slight movement of his head. Mulder decided to give his sub what he'd been craving and use it to break him. "Walter, what's the main reason for this spanking?" he said sharply.

"I-I lied to you about not knowing who controlled the nanocytes," Skinner said shakily, knowing this would earn him the most painful part of the punishment. "I knew all along it was Krycek, but I was too afraid to tell you. I thought he'd kill all of us if he found out that I had said anything."

"Let's cut him loose, Scully," Mulder said.

Scully smiled, and patted Skinner on the back. "Almost done, Walter! You're doing very well!"

"That's it? You mean you understand?" Skinner said hopefully, as Scully cut the terrycloth ties. 

"No, I sure as SHIT don't!" Mulder growled. "You're going over my lap, and I'm going to spank you with my hand."

"Over your lap? Oh good! I mean, you can't be serious," Skinner said, his eyes lighting up like a Broadway marquee.

Scully looked fondly at Skinner. "Do it, Walter," she chuckled. "Over his lap, now! Make it happen, sweetie!"

Skinner gulped, and crawled over Mulder's lap, both men shivering as they felt each other's erections.

Mulder began spanking Walter, and scolding him at the same time.

"Don't you EVER lie to me again!" Mulder said furiously, carefully spacing his swats so that Skinner wouldn't be bruised or injured from all of his blows falling in one spot. 

SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!

"We could have set up far a better trap in advance with your cooperation, and we might have nabbed Krycek as soon as he came into the garage, but NO!" Mulder said sarcastically, "You have to lie and sneak t to let him whip your ass."

SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!

Skinner was biting his lip until it bled, but there was no way he could control his tears. His bare bottom radiated enough heat to warm the building, and every smack to his ass rubbed his balls and rock hard cock against Mulder's thigh. Pleasure started to infiltrate the pain, and drove him crazy.

SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!

"What the FUCK do you think it does to the people that love you when they know you'd rather die than deign to accept their help?" Mulder said, taking in grim pleasure at the sight of Walter's bright cherry red butt cheeks jiggling under his slaps. He decided to emphasize this part of his sub's lesson with the hardest slaps to his ass yet.

*****SMACK! ***** SMACK! ***** SMACK! ***** *****SMACK! ***** SMACK! *****

"ANSWER ME!" Mulder barked, "Or I'll give you a spanking that will make this one feel like your grandma gave it to you, I swear I will!"

Skinner opened his mouth to protest that Mulder had him all wrong, but to his chagrin, a long repressed, agonized sob came out instead, and he broke down and sobbed helplessly.

Scully knelt down in front of Skinner and with outstretched arms, invited him to cry on her shoulder. 

Skinner hugged her, and started to cry even harder. 

"There, there, sweetie," Scully said soothingly as she patted his shoulders, "It's all over. I'll go get some more ointment, and Mulder will help you on to the bed."

Mulder scooted both of them back onto the bed, and eased out from under Skinner, who was still crying. He took the sub's towel off, and tossed it into the corner. He rubbed the small circles on Skinner's back, gruffly saying soothing nonsense words to him until he quieted down.

Scully came back with the ointment, and Mulder held out his hand. "I want to rub it on him this time, okay?" he said. 

She pouted, and crossed her arms. 

Mulder turned around, sat on the edge of the bed, and pulled Scully by her waist until she was standing between his legs. With her standing up, and him sitting on the bed, they could look each other straight in the eye for a change. She took full advantage of the situation to glare disapprovingly at him.

"Oh come on, Scully," Mulder said, and gave her a kiss for each of the ten freckles sprinkled across her the nose. "I've got an idea that you should love. We'll need the pickle condoms, and the kosher dill lube though, since those obviously are Walter's favorites," he added mischievously.

"I'm never going to be allowed to live that one down, am I?" Skinner said ruefully.

Mulder looked over his shoulder, smiled at Skinner and shook his head. 

Skinner smiled wryly.

"Mulder, I'm not budging until you tell me what's in it for me," Scully said adamantly

Mulder pulled her close, whispered into her ear, and nibbled it. 

She giggled, eyes shining, and said, "Mulder, I love you!"

"I love you too, Red," he said tenderly. "Now, hurry up, so we both can show Walter how much we love him!"

She grinned, and handed him the ointment, and went rummaging through the drawers in search of supplies.

"If you two are going to show me how much you love me, why were you whispering," Skinner said suspiciously.

"Walter, who's in charge here?" Mulder said as he squeezed a generous dollop of the cool ointment, and caressed it lovingly over Skinner's flaming red ass, reveling in the feel of those firm globes of flesh in his hands.

"You are, sir. I just, I just....aaaaahh," Skinner said shutting his eyes, and smiling.

Mulder smiled, and continued his massage up and down Skinner's thighs, and in-between them, then back up to his red behind. "Feels good, eh?" he said smugly.

"Oh God, YES, sir!" Skinner whimpered.

Mulder bestowed a kiss on the small of Skinner's back. "Does it feel good enough that you're sorry about lying to me, Walter? Do you want a chance to redeem yourself?"

"YES, SIR! Anything, sir," Skinner said enthusiastically, as he snuggled into his pillow.

"Good," Mulder said kissing him again, and stroking him one last time. 

Skinner looked up as soon as he felt Mulder stop caressing him, and puzzled, watched his top crawl up to the head of the bed, and settle back comfortably against the headboard. 

"C'mere," Mulder said grinning lazily as he unzipped his pants and pulled out his cock. "I want you to suck me." 

"I thought you were going to..." Skinner trailed off as he saw the disapproving look in Mulder's eyes. "Yes, sir, right away sir. I'm really..."

"Just shut up and suck me, Walter," Mulder said closing his eyes and smiling.

Skinner shrugged, and crawled between Mulder's legs. Ass high in the air, he took Mulder's cock head into his mouth, and sucked it as his tongue licked around and under the rim, as his hands gently stroked Mulder's legs and balls.

"Oh Christ, YES!" Mulder said happily. "That's fucking perfect! You're so good."

Skinner brightened up at his praise, and deep-throated him, delighting in Mulder's howl of pleasure. He didn't notice that Scully had walked on the bed behind him, until he felt her gloved hand on his ass. 

"Don't move," she ordered, "unless it's to suck Mulder's cock."

"Yes ma'am," Skinner said as best as he could, considering his mouth was full of Mulder's dick.

Scully lightly swatted Skinner's ass, making him yelp. "Don't talk with your mouth full," she said. "Now that you're MY sub too, you're going to learn how to eat properly."

Skinner laughed with Mulder's cock still in his mouth, making Mulder moan happily from the vibrations.

"Keep up the good work," Scully laughed. 

Skinner felt two of her latex and lube-covered fingers circle his opening. He moaned his approval when they slid in and stroked his prostate, and inspired him to suck Mulder harder and harder.

Mulder put his hands on Walter's bare scalp. "God, s'good," he kept saying breathlessly.

Scully stroked Skinner, until he was wantonly fucking himself on her hand as he sucked off a deliriously excited Mulder. When she withdrew her fingers, Skinner whimpered his disappointment, but he immediately began making the most erotic, ecstatic sounds as soon as he felt Scully's cock snubbing into his...

Skinner stopped in mid suck, his eyes opened wide with shock. "WHO THE HELL IS BACK THERE!" he yelled as he struggled to turn around.

Mulder shoved Skinner's head back down onto his cock, "Oh for Christ's sake, Walter, cut the melodramatics!" Mulder laughed. "I know damn well that you've heard of strap-ons, and you know damn well that's Scully's the one who's fucking you!"

"Mulder's right, it's just me, Walter. Relax, okay? I know what I'm doing, and I promise to be gentle," Scully cooed as she stroked Skinner's flat stomach. "You just take care of Mulder."

Skinner responded by sucking hard on Mulder's cock, and by rocking back and impaling himself on the strap-on, which simultaneously slammed the attached dildo inside of Scully, and rubbed her wet, swollen, clit.

Scully squealed as orgasmic waves rushed throughout her body. She began to rock their bodies together, sending jolts of pleasure into both of them. 

The pain of her slapping against his tortured ass and the delicious electrical thrills that went through his body as she went deep inside him stroking his prostate combined into such intensely exciting and overwhelming sensations that Skinner began to cry again. Reaching around, she gave his cock one hard jerk as she slammed the strap-on into him, and he came hard with a scream, muffled though it was by having Mulder's dick in his mouth. She thrust into her sub one more time, causing him to deep-throat Mulder. Mulder let out a lusty yowl of ecstacy, convulsing as he shot spurt after spurt of come into Skinner's mouth. The sub eagerly swallowed as fast as he could, and licked up the rest.

"Shit, Walter," Mulder said with a goofy grin, as he patted Skinner's head, "that was unbelievable. I'm gonna have Scully fuck you every time, if it means I'll get blown like that!" 

"I wish you would Mulder," Scully said contentedly. "I think I had ten orgasms. Walter's a fantastic lay."

Skinner smiled shyly, and laid his forehead against Mulder's thigh. 

"Come on up here with me, both of you," Mulder said stretching his arms out. Skinner accepted Mulder's nvitation to cuddle first, but Scully followed suit as soon as she disposed of the condom on her strap-on. She didn't bother to take off the strap-on, amusing Mulder to no end.

"Stop laughing," Scully said. "You don't know what a hassle it is to get this thing on."

"Well as long as it's here..." Mulder said mysteriously. He grabbed it and jerked it up and down as fast and hard as he could, ramming the dildo inside her. Within seconds, she was dripping wet with arousal, and when Skinner reached over a tweaked her nipple, she arched her back, and came. 

Arms flung over each other, they drowsed happily...until they were awakened by a loud thump on the wall, alerting them that once again they were to be entertained with the sounds of the activities next door.

"CAPTAIN! ROMULAN VESSEL SIGHTED OFF STARBOARD BOW!" Frohike yelled!

"BATTLE STATIONS! GO TO RED ALERT! ARM PHOTON TORPEDOES ON MY SIGNAL!" Pendrell bellowed. 

"AYE, AYE! CAPTAIN!" Frohike, Langley, and Byers yelled.

"EYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" Krycek screamed.

"He said STARBOARD, not PORT, you moron!" Pendrell said.

They all guffawed as they heard more thumps.

"Owwww!" Krycek whimpered pitifully. "How the hell would I know the difference? We didn't get Star Trek in Russia when I was growing up!"

"Sir, it seems this Romulan is really Commander Chekov suffering from the effects of being stuck in an Alternate Universe Time Warp!" Byers said. "Shall we apply the TOS Memory Enhancer?"

"Make it so, Number One," Pendrell said.

They heard Krycek giggling hysterically. "W-why are you tickling me with fuzzy blue houseshoes? Oh GOD, stop, I c-c-c-can't breathe." he gasped out.

"DUDE! These are NOT houseshoes!" Langley said severely. "You're getting The Torture by Tribbles from the original tribbles. We paid big money for these. Show some respect."

"Sir, stand down, or I'll be forced to apply the Klingon Pain Stick Torture," Pendrell said.

"I thought I got to apply the Klingon Pain Stick Torture," Byers whined.

"I'm the Klingon," Frohike said. "I should apply it."

The thumps and screams got louder and louder. 

Pursing her lips, Scully got up out of bed, and walked resolutely toward the door, stopping only to grab her hairbrush.

Mulder opened one eye, and said, "Where are you going?"

"Boldly, where no woman has gone before," she smirked.

"Oh, Langley's bedroom!" he laughed. "Have fun!"

He and Skinner smiled and waved bye. She smiled and closed the door behind her.

They heard the bedroom door next to them slam open, and all the thumping stopped. "ALL RIGHT BOYS!" they heard Scully yell. "THIS IS DR. CRUSHER, AND IT'S TIME FOR YOUR PHYSICAL! LINE UP, TURN YOUR HEAD, AND COUGH ON MY SIGNAL!"

"NO WAY!" Krycek yelled. "You're not sticking that up MY ass!"

"Okay FINE, Ratboy!" Scully said angrily. "I'll just use this Klingon dildo instead..."

"NO! DR. CRUSHER! NO!" Pendrell shouted. "THAT'S NOT A DILDO THAT'S A...."

"EEEEYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAH!" Krycek screamed.

".....cattle prod," Pendrell finished.

"Ooooh, that's gotta hurt," Mulder and Skinner said. Pulling Skinner close to him, Mulder turned out Mr. Spock for the night, and sighed contentedly. Life just didn't get any better than this.

THE END

As promised, here are Xanthe's contributions. She wanted a story in which Skinner was undressed as much as possible, and wanted him to be tied up with towels, snapped with towels, in a towel. The Quantico Spanking Mulder and Scully gave him was mine, though, lol.


End file.
